Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Tenderness

Its eleven pm and my kids are all in bed. I should be too. The sun will rise early tomorrow, and so will my kids. Earlier then I want them to.

I am tired. I have run after 3 energetic little ones all day. Well, only 2, the little one still rolls slower then I can run.

I have washed their dishes, their clothes, their sheets, their hair, and their bums. I have picked up their toys, their books, their puzzles, and their balls.

Its that time of night where, if you arent totally exhausted, your mind begins to relive the days happens and start making a list for tomorrow's to dos. This night, I am sad. I yelled a lot today. I threatened a lot today. I sent Mustang to her room more then once. Did I do anything wrong? No. Did I do things right? I really dont know.

Now I dont want to make our house sound like an episode of Super Nanny, nor do I want to sound prideful that we dont. It's just, well, I have a strong-willed 4 year old who is just like me, and an energetic instigating 2 year old who is just like his father. And I, am human.

I certainly feel it is my responsibility to teach and discipline my children, molding them into well behaved little people. I want them to know right from wrong and I want them to obey the first time.

But, I want them to know that I love them. I want them to know that I know what mercy is and that I understand what it means to need grace and forgiveness. I dont think I told them I loved them near enough today. Honestly? Maybe not at all.

I dont want my kids to see me as their friend, I really dont. But, I am the first glimpse of God my children see in their life. I am their first witness, and I am not doing my job.

Yes, discipline is part of love. Yes, feeding, clothing, cleaning, bathing, and teaching are part of love. But the first definition of love at dictionary.com is 'a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.' Tenderness. That is what I am missing.

The snow outside is falling. Another 3-6 inches is expected on top of the 4 we already had, buring the old dirty snow with clean crisp new white snow. And for me, tomorrow is another day. A chance to bury my past mistakes and start again. I am not expecting perfection in anyway, but there is hope.

4 comments:

MamaGames said...

::hugs:: We all have hard days. Thank you for being honest enough to write about yours! I hope that the clean new snow brings you some peace for your fresh start today.

KateO said...

Yes girl! I know how you are feeling. you basically summed up just about everyday here at my house, albeit much more coherently written that I ever could have.
Hope you have a better day.
Kate

sbswtp said...

hugs to you! some days are better than others :) today will be better!

Merrie said...

The phase of motherhood you are in right now is so exhausting. Don't be to hard on yourself. You're on the right track! Someday when they are all older the load will lighten a little and you will find yourself in an empty house on some random evening and instead of feeling joyful for the time alone it will feel...empty.
Or another time you will find the house empty and wonder where they are and worry, like I did today.
Then they all come flooding back into the house and will be overwhelming and exhausting again. Thats how it is- but we love it don't we?
I'm wishing for a peaceful day for you today!